Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
* You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
...Ahhh, government at its best.
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