Thoughts for the day

A friend sent these to me, thought you might enjoy.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized you're going in the opposite direction of where you’re supposed to be going? But instead of just turning 180° and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I’d watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I’d already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, “Both go left, Both go right” game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through - and the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say. "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in ... (10 second lapse) ...ummm ...G-Spot".

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel on the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it ... thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be much more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

Ever notice how bad decisions make good stories?